LETTER 02: ON VULNERABILITY

Trigger warning: Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Traumas.

Note: I wrote and sent this to a friend who was going through some incredibly tough times recently. To the readers who do not know our personal histories, the ‘advice’ I’ve given her sounds counter productive and even harmful. Please know that this letter is more of an attempt to put down my reflections and not actual instructions on what to do during emotionally distressing times.

Please remember: This is not a professional advice in any way whatsoever. If you’re struggling with your mental health, please talk to your friends, family, loved ones, medical professionals. Reach out for help. You’ve got this!

Hi B,

Can I ask you to cry a little more? You probably aren't sleeping all that much anyway. Can you keep doing that, please? I once did not sleep for two days and had to take myself, in the middle of the night, to the hospital emergency room after a panic attack induced by sleeplessness. How many days can you not sleep before you need to go to the emergency room? Do that. Please.

Can you scream into the void a little more, please? Whatever the voids look like for you. I used to write. Sleep on my bed for hours. Smoke almost two dozen cigarettes a day. Maybe you can drink. And pass out. Maybe repeat that a few times over.

Can you also please shut yourself off from everyone? Every single one of them. For days. Weeks. Months. Years. Until you no longer remember what 'normal' human interaction looks like. I practically shut myself off from people for most of my early adult life. Do that.

Fuck being strong. Strong is overrated. Strong is not nearly as interesting as thinking, over and over again how you're practically the biggest loser you know. You probably are. Repeat that in your head.

Oh I have a list of some pretty depressing books and movies. Find your own list. Watch them. Read them.

Repeat that question you want to know the answer to but cannot. Remember every single time your self-esteem was shredded to pieces, you were emotionally manipulated and abused. Over and over again. I know you don't have the energy to be angry with yourself, so just take it all in.

There is no positive twist here. No words of encouragement. This is your dark night of the soul and you do whatever the fuck you want with it. They come only a couple of times in your life. Have fun with it.

Reach out to some people if you can. If not fuck it. You want to know how to get out of it? You do all this and maybe you'll know. After a week. A month. A year. A couple of years. I don't know. This is your deepest, most vulnerable self trying to communicate with you and only way to listen to is to be utterly vulnerable.

Take care. Whatever care looks like to you at the moment.

Dherai Maya,

Aditya